A Night In Santa Barbara
It was July 4th, many years ago, when a husband and his wife were in Santa Barbara, California celebrating the holiday with friends. They moved from bar to bar getting more and more drunk, and not eating much, so by the time evening arrived and the sun had gone down the husband, and especially his wife, were in no shape to drive over one hundred miles back home. The wife was so drunk in fact that when she stepped off a curb her ankle twisted and she broke the straps on her open-toed sandals. The husband had to practically lift her into the passenger seat of their car. Prior to this, while still inside the last bar of the night, a friend of their friend asked the husband if he and his wife wanted to stop by his house, for a nightcap of all things. The husband agreed, thinking that if he did the man might allow him and his wife to crash there for the night. When they got to the house the man offered the husband drugs while the wife lay on the couch, asleep. The husband politely declined the drugs and then asked if he and his wife could stay and sleep off the drunk. The man said no, and insisted that they should leave. So the husband lifted his wife to her feet, swung her arm around his shoulder and struggled to get her back out to the car.
The husband figured he would drive to the nearest motel or hotel, whatever he could find. Unfortunately, he was unfamiliar with Santa Barbara, he didn't even know what part of town he was in. It was dark when he had followed the man to his house, and they had made quite a few turns. He pulled away from the curb, immediately made a turn and started slowly down a dimly lit street, looking left and right trying to spot evidence of a main street where he hoped to find a place to stay. At the end of the street he turned right and immediately saw red lights flashing behind him. He pulled over and stopped the car. He turned to his wife who was drifting in and out of consciousness and shook her arm trying in vain to get her attention. He said, "We might be going to jail tonight. Stay in the car and don't say anything." The policeman shone his light in the driver's side window and asked the husband for his license and registration. As the husband complied the policeman shone his light on the wife's face and questioned the husband if she was okay. "It's been a long a night," the husband said dismissively, "she's just very tired." The policeman told the husband he pulled him over because he was driving the wrong way on a one-way street -- he pointed to the street the husband had just turned off of. Then he ordered the husband out of the car for a sobriety test. This was about one am Sunday morning.
The husband became belligerent but not uncooperative. Even though he was still quite drunk he successfully touched his finger to his nose, walked a straight a line, and was able to stand steady for ten seconds with his arms outstretched and his eyes closed. The policeman was young and the husband sensed he was a rookie. He laid into the policeman pretty hard for giving him the sobriety test because, the husband said, "Obviously I'm not drunk. I passed your damned test." The policeman wrote the husband a ticket for going the wrong way on a one-way street, and then let him go. The husband's last demand of the policeman was that he give him directions to the freeway. By this time the husband wasn't feeling so drunk anymore and decided to make the long drive home. They were about half way home when the wife woke up. The husband pulled off the highway, stopped the car, and tried to explain to her what had happened with the policeman, and that he had changed his mind and decided to drive home, but she was still too drunk to understand. She said she was very horny and took off her top and asked the husband if he wanted to have sex. But there was a semi-trailer truck parked nearby with the lights on in the cab, so the husband declined, pulled back onto the highway and continued driving.
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