A Real Gem
Our water heater is not what you think.
It used be you could walk into the basement or garage of any home and find a tall white cylinder, maybe twenty inches in diameter by five feet tall, filled with hot water. How did it work? Simple. There was a thermostatically controlled heat exchanger inside the cylinder in contact with the water to keep it at the desired temperature. One pipe brought cold water in, another delivered hot water out. The connectors had easily serviceable gaskets. Most units had a pressure relief valve and a drain hose in case it leaked. Gas or electric heaters were available. That’s pretty much it.
Now, have you ever heard of Rube Goldberg? No? Well, there, I linked it for you.
Old Rube had a number of talents but mostly he was known for his cartoons, in particular his depiction of Rube Goldberg Machines, which were:
complicated gadgets that perform simple tasks in indirect, convoluted ways
Today, if you remark about an object’s design by saying, “Oh, man, that is so Rube Goldbergian,” you mean exactly that, the thing’s design is unnecessarily complicated and convoluted to achieve its function.
Back to our water heater. You can see where I am going with this.
Right.
We have a box in our garage screwed to the wall. It’s roughly the size of Goliath’s lunchbox. It heats water. That’s it. That’s all it does.
And yet to look at it…
… and I’m only showing you part of this contraption! — you’d say, “Man, that is totally Rube Goldbergian.”
It only get worse inside the box.
Therein you’d find circuit boards and connectors and valves and electrodes and expanders and other mysterious parts and pieces all connected together in an arcane mess of machinery. To what end?
To heat water.
But wait, skeptic, hold thine tongue!
The water heater is modern! It’s efficient! — why, should you care to read it, there’s an entire brochure given over to boasting of the unit’s myriad operational efficiencies. And it’s environmentally friendly! And it’s smart! — water is heated “on demand!”
Yet still you may be wondering, at what cost, dear homeowner, does this whizbangery come?
$537.00
“To purchase it?!”
No. To maintain it. That’s what I paid yesterday. Three years ago I paid close to the same amount to have it serviced. In five years we’re into this thing for ~ $1000.00.
What’s a homeowner to do but lament. In Alaska, especially with winter nigh, you do not want to achieve your cost savings by skimping on the maintenance of the machine that makes water hot. Especially since our house is heated hydronically (sub floor heat).
At least the service man was competent. His parents had named him after Alaska’s gemstone. Unusual — I kept wanting to call him Jason — but like I said, he was competent.
But it was one of those service calls where the phases of dis-assembly were punctuated with knocks on the door,” Mr. Nibbe, may I speak with you a moment?”
His face was grim. Uh oh, he’s found something else wrong. He had said when he first arrived and assessed the leakage I told him about on the phone that only the thermal expansion doohickey would need to be replaced ($165, and look here, lucky for you I just happen to have one in my truck!), but now, in the course of removing the thingamajig that connects the doohickey…. “Well, I think you can clearly see, Mr. Nibbe, that this really should be replaced as well.”
Over the course of his service visit there were no less than two separate knocks on the door.
Multiple reassurances ensued that he was not trying to up-sell me on things I didn’t need. I believed him. Because I want to believe in the ethical goodness of mankind. Plus, this man, this “gem” of a man, looked to me like a cross between Jim Carey and Chevy Chase, and who among us would ever suspect either one of them of up-selling?
Although — although! — he did say that if I’d like, he could also replace the gas flame regulator which, although my unit was presently operating fine without it, in his expert opinion it was only a matter of time before it failed. “And when it does, Mr. Nibbe, your boiler will shut down,” he said ominously.
Part $245, plus 1/2 hour labor to install; he’d anticipatively brought one along. But wait, it only takes ten minutes to install? “Minimums, Mr. Nibbe, we have minimums.”
I declined. I put my family in peril and declined. That’s what it felt like, standing there, looking at him with that “Are you certain you don’t want me to install it, Mr. Nibbe?” look on his face.
Warm in the house this morning. I can step onto the tile floor in the kitchen in bare feet and not be chilled. Love that.
But just wait, the very first morning the floor isn’t toasty warm it’ll be -20 outside, and with my luck it’ll be Sunday. Emergency service call to install a flame regulator — time and a half. Oh boy!
I took down gemstone’s personal cell number. “Call me,” he said, “if anything problems should arise.” Muhahahaha…