Dear Mr. President
I trust you are well, sir
For many years I was not well. You see, at the start of your first term in office, I was diagnosed with early onset TDS. Over time the symptoms became increasingly more severe, to the point where, most recently, certain friends and colleagues have noted concerning changes in my behavior, most notably a feverishly contemptuous tone whenever I spoke and wrote about you. But that has changed, and I must say, rather suddenly, and unexpectedly. Which brings me to the purpose of my letter to you, sir: It regards your recent act of American adventurism in South America. Cynics with nothing better to do than criticize you, sir, have referred to this as another obscene example of American Jingoism, when instead, for me, it has served as a literal wake-up call, an awakening to you, sir, to your character and moral fiber. It’s as if all those years I was battling the symptoms of TDS, I was in a kind of coma, until one day, inexplicably, I sat up in bed, my eyes, which had been shut tight, were suddenly wide open! Many of my erstwhile friends and colleagues are calling this a miracle. Some of them are God-fearing, as I understand you are as well, sir, and so that analogy makes sense to me. What I’m trying to say, sir, is I’m over my TDS, I’m feeling much better now – I am, finally, able to see and think clearly again
Chief among the symptoms of a TDS pathophysiology is a long solar eclipse. Imagine yourself as the Sun, sir, and we here on earth, your subjects, needing your power and force of will, and the dark object that passes between us represents the Leftists and related Garbage. Further, imagine if you will, sir, in the case of the TDS sufferer, unlike the passing moon in an actual solar eclipse, the dark object in the afflicted mind inexplicably halts its orbit; it gets stuck, leaving the mind in the dark. That’s what happens to the TDS sufferer. What I’m trying to say, sir, is something in my mind “restarted” the orbit of that dark object, it has moved out of the way, I no longer hear the voices of your naysayers, to the point where I now feel reborn in your light
You have a gift, it is for certain, sir, reducing to digestible, bite-sized chunks Byzantine foreign policy. Mr President, what I’m getting at is, who knew, prior to Einstein, the relationship between energy – energy! – and mass was linear; indeed, who knew, prior to Jesus of Nazareth, He was the way, the truth and the light. Who knew your second term in office would feel to so many of us like The Second Coming. What I want to say to you, sir, is that I’m out of the dark now, and I love you
Some say, sir, the true measure of a man may be found in the dimension of his humility. I say the mark of a Great man may be found in his readiness to dismiss humility to the dustbin of pointless moral virtues. Men like you, sir, who enter this world with the correct morality already baked in, don’t come along very often. And thank God, we should, sir, that you just keep coming! I nearly suffered a relapse of TDS this morning when I heard the news from some garbage reporter on some garbage news network mocking your appointed Homeland Security warrior, who had concluded that the woman killed in Minneapolis was a terrorist (or worse, a nasty Leftist, as your VP later assured us she was). For a moment there, I teetered on relapse and wondered if the shooting might, in fact, have been a murder. But then – relapse avoided! – I heard you tell the truth, sir. The driver had viciously weaponized her vehicle to run over a federal warrior (who you said was recovering in the hospital – big Phew there, amirite, sir!) who, of course, defending himself and acting as he’d been trained to act, raised his sidearm and point-blankedly shot her three times, dispersing her brains into the back seat of the vehicle. As your duly appointed Secretary of War might say, sometimes in the fog of war it can be hard to see things as they really are, and I get that now
And not to dwell in the past, sir, but that website the Whitehouse put up recently, where the record was set straight on what really happened on Jan 6th, that was a longtime coming. I mean, c’mon, one would have to have their head buried in Leftist agitprop (and/or be afflicted with TDS) to not know by now that a DNA test confirmed the poop deposited that day in Nancy Pelosi’s desk drawer was in fact her own poop! She pooped it herself then claimed the perps did it, as a final, desperate act of a failed smear campaign against you. What I’m trying to say, sir, is I would have pardoned all those overly enthusiastic protesters, too, if I were you and had come to know this truth
Sir, even after the great strides your admin has made this past year to make us all great again (Bravo! btw), too many people, I’m afraid, continue to suffer from TDS. And I heard the Great Oz posit on some new and fresh podcast recently that the likely cause of TDS was a bio-engineered, loss-of-function virus leaked from a Leftist lab. Assuming that’s true, sir – and why wouldn’t we assume it to be true, after all, The Oz is a real doctor – perhaps you can find it in yourself to forgive TDS sufferers, for they know not what they do, sir. Some modern sufferers claim your hands don’t look so good, sir. “Well,” they say, “if the unsightly problem arose from all the hand-shaking the POTUS supposedly does,” as your pretty spokesmodel clearly explained on TV it had, “then the problem should be confined to his right hand,” they said – “gotchya, pretty girl!” Stupid Lefties, they don’t understand your greatness knows no bounds, sir; they should know your many gifts include being ambidextrous, as have been so many other great world leaders (less great than you, sir, but still). Obviously, you can shake with either hand!
World order, I now understand, sir, doesn’t emerge from the collective goodwill or “best practices” of namby-pamby, sissy world leaders. It isn’t something stumbled into. I mean, did the embarrassing failures of negotiators revealed in WikiLeaks mean nothing to the people of this country? (And btw, would you please pardon Assange). No! The new hemispheric order is going to have to be the product of the force of a single man’s will. You are that Man, sir. Have not your most ardent detractors, as I once was, read and understood the parable of John Galt? Their envy of you and your achievements, sir, is masqueraded as contempt for you. Sad!
People used to say the President “runs” the country. Laughable! libertarians chortled. Until you came along. Now even libertarians understand you really do run this soon-to-be-great-again country, sir, and all that prattle about “sovereignty of the individual” is only that. What this country has so badly needed for a very long time is an Übermensch, like you, sir. As a recovering TDS survivor, I get that now
And not only that, evidently, you’ve enough hours left in your day to run another country! And possibly even more (looking at you Greenland nyuk nyuk). Sir, what I want to leave you with is this: If your unequaled prowess as a world leader, combined with the sheer force of your moral will, sticking the landing as it were, hasn’t by now cured the afflicted of their TDS, well, I’m not sure what I can say about that, other than you are their (and my) Dear Leader, sir, not their psychiatrist!
My regards to the first lady, sir
In propitiation,
-Russ