Spooky

Needed the oil changed in the Subaru again. Brad, I think his name was, enlightened me on the pros & cons of using synthetic oil. Wait a second, “synthetic?” Isn’t that synonymous with man made? And if so, we should never fear an oil shortage again, right? We needn’t have to wait tens of millions of years for plants and critters to die, get buried, transform into raw crude, get discovered, produced, refined, and finally put in a can. We just make the stuff de novo — Brilliant!

Methinks I’m missing something here. Probably been away from the oil business too long.

In the end I settled on the synthetic, but wouldn’t you know it, only minutes after the technician took my car into the garage, I was called back to the service counter and informed that the technician had also found my air filter was filthier than a George Carlin standup, and a signal light (blinker) was out on the driver’s side, and so “Mr. Nibbe would you like us to take care of these items today as well?”

Oh sure.

$200+ later…

Wait a second…You’re probably wondering… $200+ for an oil change, an air filter, and a light bulb?

Let me tell you something about this light bulb business on Subaru Outbacks. 2011s anyway. Though I’ve come to understand it afflicts other model years as well.

(Subaru of America automotive engineers: Pay especially close attention!).

To do so let me back up a few months. It was then I discovered a headlight was out on the driver’s side of my Subaru. I went to the auto parts store, bought a new bulb, came home and figured in the time it would take my bread to toast I’d go in the garage and replace the bulb. No-brainer, right?

Bzzzt.

Come to find the plastic housing that needs to be turned (unscrewed) to get at the bulb was not only just barely visible once I’d lifted the hood, there was no way in hell a standard human hand could pass by the battery and all the other crap blocking the access required to replace the bulb. WTF? Ah, wait, I think, maybe from underneath. Nope. In fact I couldn’t even see the headlight assembly looking up while on my back on the garage floor. So WTF? I get out the manual. No help. So now what…Don’t tell me I need to pull the entire integrated headlight assembly out just to replace a damn bulb?

I go back inside the house. My toast has popped up, long ago, and now it’s cold. The butter won’t melt and I hate that. I call my friend, an expert Subaru mechanic, 25+ years. None better in Alaska. “Mark,” I say, “how many middle-aged white dudes does it take to change a headlight bulb on a Subaru Outback?” He laughs, knowingly. I chew my cold toast. Come to learn the answer is one, assuming the one middle-aged white dude knows the trick.

Trick? “Yeah dude, you need to get at it from inside the wheel well.”

“What?!”

“Yup. Turn the steering wheel hard right to get the wheel out of the way. Then remove one of the clips which hold the splash guard in place. Then slowly peel the guard back just enough to get your hand up and in there to unscrew the housing. Then you can get at the bulb. The guard may feel like it’s going to break when you fold it back but it won’t. But just be careful.”

“WTF! To replace a bulb?!”

Well, I still couldn’t believe it. Even though I knew Mark would never lead me astray. “If you can’t do it just bring it over to my house and I’ll do it,” he said.

I went back into the garage and tried again, but not the way Mark told me, not initially anyway. This was a mistake. What I tried first is I slid a screwdriver from the top down through the narrow gap and managed to forcibly unscrew the plastic housing, and then with a flashlight I could just barely make out the bulb in the socket, but when I tried (with the screwdriver) to release the retainer clip it broke. Sh*t. Only then did I abandon that approach and try to peel back the splash guard like Mark told me to do. But it turned out I removed the wrong clip (there are two). Consequently, I’m fishing my hand and arm through the wrong gap feeling for the back of the light bulb in order to pull it out. I did this about five times, sustaining, in the process, many life-threatening scrapes and tears to my skin before saying, “F*ck it.”

I drove to Mark’s house the following day. He showed me the correct splash guard clip to remove, had the new bulb in and everything put back in place in like five minutes. Show off. I treated him to breakfast for his trouble.

Of course, because I’d earlier broken the retainer clip (not sold separately!) we had to kludge a way to keep the bulb in place in its socket. We folded some blue foamy stuff into the cavity of the plastic housing before screwing it back on, figuring that would work to keep the bulb from popping out, and it did work, but at breakfast Mark said, “You know, that cavity can get pretty hot when the light’s been on a while. I wonder if that blue stuff is flammable?”

Uh oh.

Back at his house we went into the garage and held a piece of the blue foamy stuff above a lit match. Poof!

Uh oh.

Mark says, “Well, just run with it a while and check it. If it doesn’t melt or start a fire right away you’re probably good to go.” Then he asks, “By the way, where did you buy the new bulb?”

“Fred Meyer, why?”

“Oh. Those are cheapys. Probably won’t last longer than three months or so. The ones at the dealership are better, but way more expensive too.”

Great. When I got home I called him back and said the car had not started on fire. And oh by the way, we should have wrapped that blue foamy stuff in aluminum foil first. “Brilliant!” he said, “why the hell didn’t I think of that?”

Fast forward to a few days ago…the oil change, and yes please also replace the dirty air filter, and by all means that burned out signal light bulb too! I laugh and share my past experience loudly. Everyone within earshot at the service desk nods sympathetically. Half hour later it’s all done. $200+. “Sorry, Mr. Nibbe, I had to charge you the shop minimum for labor to replace the bulb.” His head droops.

He’s sad. I’m sad. Everyone at the counter is sad.

Then yesterday I’m driving Happy Wife to work in the morning and I notice the volume control for the radio, the one on the steering wheel, doesn’t work. Down volume works, but not up. Hmm. Well, it figures, the car’s out of warranty by months, but no biggy. The volume control, the one on the radio itself, is like literally two inches from my right hand when it’s gripping the steering wheel, and there are masses of people starving in Africa, so…perspective.

AND THEN, after I drop HW at work I notice — wait for it — the passenger side headlight is out.

Uh oh.

Sure, I know the trick now, but I’m busy, too busy to deal with this myself. However, it is bloody dark much of the day this time of year so I really need to get a new bulb, and so I make an appointment at the dealership for this morning. In I go at 9 am. I’m on my way up to the service counter when an exceptionally cheerful man, who I take to be the service manager, says, “Good morning, sir, how is everything going today?” Well, I tell him, just fine, except for my utter contempt for the auto engineers at Subaru of America!

Everyone at the service counter looks up. I slap him on the back, tell him I’m kidding, sort of, and give him the short version of everything that you’ve just read. Plus, I emphasize to him, I was just in a couple days earlier for an oil change and had to have the blinker bulb replaced. Which I paid for dearly. Sympathetic nods all around.

I don’t know for sure, maybe it was the gaiety of my demeanor despite the crushing charge I’d suffered days earlier. Or the service manager was feeling the generous spirit of the season. Or both. But he looked over at the man at the service counter who was checking me in and said, “Write WS4 in the “bill to” column on Mr. Nibbe’s ticket, will you.” He wished me a good day and went about his business.

“WS4?” I asked the man at the counter.

“Means we’ll bill it to the shop, or find another way to pay for it. No charge for you today.”

“This is like Obamacare,” I said, “I get fixed and somebody else pays for it!”

Kidding. I didn’t really say that. But I did give him a very big thank you. And wished him a Merry Christmas. I mean for goodness sake, they didn’t even charge me for the bulb. $0.00 out the door.

And guess what. As I drove away I reflexively went to turn up the volume on the radio with the steering wheel control and… it works again. Frickin’ spooky.